I’ve started, deleted, and started this post again more times than I can count now. No matter how hard I try, I can never seem to express my thoughts and feelings accurately when it comes to motherhood.
You see, for the first 8 years of my son’s life I always felt like a great mom. I worked hard to provide for my son and teach him everything he needed to know. I focused on all the positives. I focused on how kind he was and his ability to make people laugh. I focused on his inquisitive nature and his wonderment with the world around him. I focused on his ability to make friends anywhere and the sweet nature he showed to animals. I also focused on my accomplishments: starting an online business while working full time, buying a house, finishing my masters degree, and the awards I received for teaching.
I won’t lie. I felt like the best mom and I was proud of myself.
About a year and a half ago that all changed. For the first time, I started to question my ability to raise my son and be a good mom. I knew Tanner was struggling in school, but I listened to his teachers who downplayed the concern. I let my fear of the unknown stop me from taking action earlier. Reality started to sink in the summer of 2019. Tanner would be starting 3rd grade the following school year and I knew he would likely get retained. I knew this before the year started, because I knew the likelihood of him passing the state test was low. Anxiety started to form and I stopped sleeping well. My son’s struggles in school completely consumed me. This reality finally pushed me out of my fear and propelled me to take action.
I had Tanner formally evaluated in the Fall of 2019. I held back tears watching the evaluation. A week later, I cried on the way home after the parent meeting. I cried because I was ashamed. I was not ashamed of my son. I have never been ashamed of him. I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed I had waited so long to take action. I was ashamed that I didn’t know what to do. I was ashamed to tell anyone, including my parents and boyfriend at the time. It didn’t matter how much I knew those people loved me, for the first time in years I felt like I had failed.
That moment has drastically impacted my life the past year and a half.
Over the years, I had grew accustomed to setting goals, working hard, and achieving them. My confidence level was at an all time high. I was an outstanding teacher and a pretty good entrepreneur with a sustainable and growing online business. I was well liked by my coworkers and I had a great group of close friends. Life was pretty close to perfect.
After Tanner’s evaluation I started questioning my decisions as a Mom. I felt like I was failing, and the negative mindset started drifting into other aspects of my life. Despite the negativity I was developing toward myself, I was still determined to make the best choices for my son and do anything I needed to help him be successful. I made the difficult decision to resign from teaching to homeschool him.
Homeschool is hard. It is very hard. It is a constant battle between playing the “mom role” and the “teacher role.” It’s hard seeing firsthand your child struggle. It’s hard seeing him finally accomplish a skill, to only forget it the next day. It’s hard knowing what the academic expectation is for a student his age, and seeing how far off he is. Almost everyday I question my ability to be a mom and a teacher. The feelings of failure started to skyrocket during homeschool. How could I achieve such high success as a classroom teacher, but fail at educating my own son?
The past few months I have started to face my fears and share my struggles on social media. I have started to share my son’s experiences with dyslexia and my experiences with homeschooling him. I’ve started to open up about the emotional effect it has had on me.
Do you know what happened?
People reached out to me and shared they have felt the same way. Moms expressed the same feelings of guilt they have had and the immense fear of sharing that guilt. I realized how powerful it is to share your thoughts and feelings and just allow yourself to embrace those emotions. Every emotion you feel is valid. By allowing myself to express these feelings and connect with others, I found a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders and the confidence I once had start drifting back. I started finding time to get back to the things I love and making time for myself. I found happiness.
Do I still worry about my son and question what I can be doing differently? Every. Single. Day. I think I probably always will, but I also think that’s part of being a mom. I might worry everyday, but I also know I’m doing the best job I can. I know everything will work out exactly like it is supposed to.
Being a mom is hard, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
