I say this every year, but it’s true. I am in complete denial that my baby boy is another year old. This year is big. This year he turns 10.
Every year I tell myself that the next year will be the year that I don’t bring up AFE. It will be the year that I don’t talk about how thankful I am to be alive and it will be the year that I don’t allow myself to get sad thinking about Tanner’s birth. I’m learning that it is not only okay, but it’s important discuss it each year. It’s part of me and it’s part of Tanner.
10 years ago I went to the hospital not even sure I was in real labor. I was. Just a few hours later they were getting me ready to push, but Tanner stopped breathing and I started to lose my vision and get dizzy. I’ve never seen doctors and nurses move and talk so fast in my life as they rushed me to an operating room. I don’t remember much after that, except a vivid memory of a nurse saying “don’t worry, some babies are born not breathing.”
I’m not even sure I remember the first time I held or saw my son because by then I had so many drugs pumping through me. I think that’s what effects me more than the AFE itself. I wish I had more real memories of Tanner’s birth.
Despite how it all started, Tanner is growing up to be incredible human and I’m so lucky to be his mom. His desire to learn and understand the world around him is indescribable. He has shown me the true meaning of perseverance and how to have fun in every single situation.
He is kind and caring. Somehow he always knows when someone is sad and shows empathy as he tries to cheer them up. He takes great care of his puppy and is constantly looking up YouTube videos on things we can do to help her thrive. He is creative and a great problem solver. I can count on one hand the amount of times he has woken up without a smile on his face.
As he continues to grow up, I hope he realizes how much he has changed my life for the better. I hope he remembers he is amazing and his struggles are nothing to be ashamed of. I hope he learns the power of words and is never afraid to admit when he is wrong. I hope he continues to forgive quickly and doesn’t allow anger to win.
I hope he knows the importance of working hard, but also the importance of playing hard. I hope he never stops showing kindness to everyone. I hope he always believes in himself and knows his family will always love and support him. I hope he knows he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Happy (early) birthday Tanner! You are loved more than you will ever know.
